My hubby went for a cat scan yesterday, as they think he has a trapped nerve in his spine, which is causing numbness and tingling in his right side. Might have to operate to release the nerve. He complains about neck and shoulder pain constantly and lack of strength in his hands. Now I can sympathise as I have hms and get the same thing especially when I am stressed, which right now I am way stressed with this.

I cant help thinking about the implications of an operation on a neck and keep thinking of how I would cope if things went wrong, no way do I have the physical strength to cope with him if he couldnt walk.

Frankly I feel like a bad wife for a number of reasons, like yesterday, he was watching tv and got up after the program had ended, his leg had gone to sleep and he just stood up and walked, of course it collapsed and he fell over, my daughter and I sat and laughed at him, saying that he really should -*test*-('") it before taking a step, stand up first and if it feels odd then sit back down or stamp abit before just walking. Yeah I know I am heartless.
Also he is delegating his household chore off to everyone else, using this as an excuse, like "Amanda is capable of carrying laundry baskets upstairs, I have shoulder problems" or "Isnt anyone else in this house capable of emptying the dustbin, I do so much running around and work all day"

I am now torn between whether to take this seriously or not, sure I believe that he has some pain but I dont think he has a high pain threshold and tends to exagerate. I went through 2 years of major stress when he thought that he was having heart attacks which were just bad panic attacks. Making him confront the issue nearly broke our marriage. Now I feel like I am being spiteful because all I can think of is how this will affect me in the long run, we have had 3 years of horrific bad luck and all I want is one year where I can consentrate on sculpting and art without operations, death and any other form of catastrophy.

Has anyone else had symptoms like him or had to deal with trapped nerves etc. It will be a great help to put things into perspective for me right now. Am I really selfish and spiteful to feel this way

Hugs
Kathryn

Earlier this year my husband underwent a back operation for a trapped nerve and slipped disks so i know how you feel.

I was constantly tired after doing all the house work,my animal rescue work and raising 7 kids aswell.I use to moan and shout and cry and all sorts. !!! I use to say he was putting it on and that it couldnt be that bad.
He was always down the docs and at its worse point he had the doc out to give him morphine injections !!!!!
It really did get me down as i felt like a single parent with all the chores etc to do alone.I was all for giving up and slinging him out i was that torn up about it all.
He had his operation and was ill for a while but that soon stopped and he was back to normal.
I look back now and think i was so evil to him. !!!!! You are not alone to act and feel this way as i did too.Its not really the right thing to do but i got so tired and worn out and emotional.Its terrible when he went from fit and healthy thrill seeker to a mummbling mess of drugged up being.He was so much into extreme sports and raised alot of money for charities doing bungee jumps and parachuting etc.Now hes not able to do those things but has taken up fishing instead.

Please dont feel bad.Its not your fault.Try talking calmly to him and letting him know how you feel about things.Explaine that its hard on you too having all the extra work to do and also caring for him.

I hope it all goes well for you all.If you ever need a chat please feel free.

Hi Kathryn, I've no experience of trapped nerves, but my Hubbie has MS.
He started with symptoms years ago, but being a very determined man carried on for a long time until he was unable to do the physical demands of his job...even then he asked for a job in the office but was frozen out and 'encouraged' to fail by a ***** of an office manager (sorry, that's the mildest term for her!)

The stress of it all made his MS worse and around the time our first grandchild was born nearly 11 years ago he was feeling very very sorry for himself indeed...to the extent he said he couldn't hold the baby in case he dropped her.

The man I knew was disappearing before my eyes. I and our kids were very frightened about the way things were going.

I remember having a conversation with my daughter that your body may be ill but you can keep your mind strong.
I likened it to men who are paraplegics and stuck in a wheelchair, but refuse to be beaten and train so that their arms are strong enough to take them into the para olympics. These men are diminished in some respects but admirable and strong in others (especially the brain!)

I was afraid my feelings would change towards my husband if he carried on being self pitying.
And yes I felt like a right cow for feeling this way!
We were so lucky...my husband dragged himself out of his black pit....he probably could see he would get little sympathy from me! And we were and are fine.

Don't get me wrong I was very concerned about my husbands' health but in letting him fall apart mentally I would have eventually fallen apart too...so I had to harden my heart....in order to get back (mentally) the man I had married.

Sorry this is such a long post...but I do feel some empathy with you.
Good luck!

Linda
xx

Edited to add, since my operation last week I have, according to my hubbie, been a very bad patient!
Been feeling very sorry for myself and fully intend to feel sorry for myself until my staples come out on Friday!
Make of that what you will!

Hi Linda
Funny that you mention MS, Hubby was told by the physio that it could also be ms, but we wont know much until the results of the scan are back.

I dont know much about ms, so any info on that will be welcome.

I dont need him falling into any black moods, he was on lithium at the beginning of this year and was so moody that I wanted to kill him, now he is weaned off it and much calmer, so no thanks to depression right now.

Hugs
Kathryn

OH YOU POOR LADY ..I DO SO FEEL FOR YOU ...I HAVE HAD 2 BACK OPEREATIONS AND 5 DISC REMOVED AND I TOO STILL HAVE THE NUMBNESS AND THE SIATICA IN MY LEFT LEG .. BUT THEY TRAPPED THE NERVE WHEN THEY DID THE FIRST OP ...I SO HOPE THEY CAN GET IT SORTED SOON FOR YOUR HUBBY ...YOU ARE NOT A AWFUL WIFE AT ALL ... YOU ARE A CARING WIFE ..YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE MOLLICODDLING HIM ...LET HIM DO THINGS TOO AND AT HIS OWN PACE AND YOU WILL BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH HE CAN DO ... EVEN IF IT IS SLOWER THAN YOU LIKE ... JUST PERSUDE HIM ... .
IF YOU NEED A SHOULD ...I AM HERE FOR YOU .... MANY HUGS ..VAL XXXX

Men do seem to be a big girls blouse about things.Afterall look what they're like when they have a cold.They always make out they're suffering the most.
I'm afraid i'm not very sympathetic when Mike gets ill or when he had a recent operation.
It might be Kathryn that you could remind hubby before he gets up from a chair to exercise his leg a bit then when he does get up he'll be steady on his feet.
How about getting him to go for a massage to release the tension in his back,it might do him good and get the circulation going.
As for delegating the chores give him chores where he doesn't have to lift things.Light weight things like clearing the table of the dinner dishes or ironing etc or even taking the clothes to the stairs then asking one of the children to take them up.At least then he's doing his part and helping you at the same time.
He lives in the house too so he must do his part.Buy him a gadget like a grabber so when something falls on the floor he can pick it up without bending over and it's also good for picking up shoes.
Good luck.

Well I dont know your husband, and so dont know if hes hamming it up or not, but I have had several operations on my spine to remove three disc, trapped nerves and have weakness and pain constantly in my kneck, arms and shoulders so I can speak from that angle.
I think that spinal pain is very difficult to dealt with as it affects so many other things. The pain, the numbness, the tingling I have it all so can sympathise. I think that your husband is SCARED too. The neck and spinal cord are very delicate and because of all the implications we are naturally paranoid about protecting it. It isnt like having a broken leg after all, and major problems can be caused by the wrong treatment or misuse.
I would try and be sympathetic to your hubby, he is obviously really worried at the thought of spinal surgery, I understand it is hard on you and the rest of the family but please try to be patient and understanding. I have had many years of this and have at present a prolapsed disc right at the top of my spine that the surgeon cant reach safetly. It is a big worry to live with, its a bit like living with a time bomb because one day I know it will crush and then who knows. Most of the time you try not to dwell on things and get on with your life but there are times I know he will worry and think about what could happen. I think your hubby will feel much easier when he has had all the -*test*-('")s and knows what can be done. And remember pain cant be shared so noone knows how bad or not he is so I would just say, try to be kind and just be there for him, and NO you are not a bad wife, just a worried one. xxxxx

I agree with everything said above really. I have suffered with backache for years, and in the early days I don't think there's anything more depressing than daily pain, not knowing when/if it will go. And if he's got the fear of MS too, then he has a lot to cope with. However you have feelings too, and you can't help feeling things, such as being annoyed at him, that's natural, you're not a bad person, you are just frustrated at him. And let's face it, men aren't the bravest when it comes to pain and illness are they?!! And if he was convinced he was having a heart attack when it was a panic attack, he's obviously of the sort of personality who will suffer more.

Why don't you discuss it with him, how worried you are about him, and coping with the house whilst he's ill. Can you maybe afford to get help in? Or take a few hours out for yourself?? If you say to him, that you NEED a couple of hours daily to sculpt, how would he respond? You need to keep strong and sane for him, should his condition deteriorate or turn out to be MS

The laughing at him when he fell maybe a release of your own stress and worry, but to him he may have been hurt.
Over the years my own disability has got worse and my hubby has been wonderful, letting me do what I can. when we lived in a house I didn't carry things up or down, I had enough trouble getting myself up and down the stairs. if his leg goes numb, it would be unsafe to carry things, incase he falls. and that could cause a worse condition.

You need to talk about what he can and can't do, and as said, he needs to do what he can to help. and appreciation should be shown towards him for it. he will need to feel needed and wanted. It's understandable you getting frustrated and worried about his condition.

I used to threaten chucking my hubby out before I learnt he was autistic, I was aweful to him, it's embarrasing thinking about what a ....... I was. Now I know it's not his fault, life is so much better and our relationship is so much better. You have to remember it isn't his fault. try and embrace who he is now.

sorry to go on, this is just my own opinion.

Yo should try going to the doctors with him and telling the doc that you need to know whats wrong with hubby in order to caer for him properly and know his limitations.I know that some times they can play on it when they dont want to do some things.
After my hubbys operation he was told to walk about and exersize but i knew he didnt want to.I went to the docs with him and the doc said that if he didnt exersize he would get bad again.He had no exscuse then to get up and get moving.Though he wasnt able to bend down or stretch for a while he was still capable of light dusting and walking to the shops and back.He wouldnt of bothered if he thought he could avoid it. You know what men are like....us women have a cold and they have man flu.!!!!

Please dont think that I dont care, or would not nurse him if need be. Over the last 12 years I have nursed him through 6 knee operations, 4 major bouts of depression, elbow operation to release a trapped nerve, and 2 years of panic attacks. He has just returned to work full time after 6 months off for depression and we had to go through some horrid side effects from lithium, before the doctor agreed to take him off it and that was only because I told the doctor in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate living with such a grouch anymore.

I have bought him a massage machine, which can adjust to fit most parts of the body, he has bothered to use it once and said how great it was, so why not use it more?

When he returned to work, I was overjoyed and thought that we could have a break, maybe I could finally consentrate on myself and my art for a bit. So this is not really welcome right now, but push comes to shove I will cope and do my best, but boy will I have an occasional moan.

Hugs
Kathryn

Kathryn there is no way you are an aweful wife, seeing your hubby through all this, you are a credit to woman. You have shown Love, determination, endurance and strength. Words fail me.

Hi Kathryn,
It's hard to speak for someone else, and I don't know your circumstances, but I would agree with Lizzie - go with your hubby when he's next at the doc's and see what help he really needs. I have spondylosis of the neck and although my pain threshhold is very high, the pain I suffer at times from this condition is horrendous, even to the point of hallucinating on a couple of occasions! With good management, however, I have learned to control the causes of the pain and life is much better now. Maybe your hubby can find a way to do the same, and if he has to ask for help lifting bins, etc then in the long run it could possibly improve his (and therefore your!) quality of life. Perhaps you could trade with him and ask him to do some of the lighter jobs around the home?
I do hope you can work it out and that you and your family get through this tough time.

I think a lot of the time men are less able to deal with illness than women-that's not to say they are weaker but just that I think they worry more than we do.

I have a trapped nerve in the top of my left arm at the moment - been troubling me for a few months now but I thought it was a pulled muscle as I have been doing everything at home since much earlier this year when John my hubby had a series of brain haemorrhages.I am paranoid about him lifting anything until he has, hopefully, his last brain scan 8 October.
My doctor said to take anti inflamms to help but it got worse to the extent that I pleaded with dr to do something as from my fingertips to my spine was so painful.A trip to a physio confirmed I had a trapped nerve but that was just days before we flew out to Florida.
My pain threshold is extremely high but this pain is sickening - painkillers don't help - so I do symapthise with your hubby.It's one of those things that doesn't sound like anything but boy,if you have one, you certianly know it and it takes a LONG time to sort out.

Maybe hubby has the same fear of an operation going wrong

I agree with the other ladies who say to book an appt to see the doc and explain exactly how you feel-obviously as diplomatically as poss.Get the doc to confirm what hubby is capable of doing without making his condition worse.If he hears it from a doc then maybe it will help.

There were times when John did things that were so 'funny' when he was first ill, like trying to put both socks on the same foot and I never laughed in front of him-it would have been a laugh rather than a cry situation-as he was frustrated enough.

Time is a great healer in a lot of cases.It is so very hard for both of you.

I wish you the very best of 'luck' with sorting this problem out.

Susan