I've typed this out several times and deleted it for giving away my sons personal life.

But have to vent in some form!

How do you make your son into boyfriend material?

I have recited this to him

Woman was made from man
Not out of his head to top him
Nor out of his feet to be trampled on
But out of his side, to be equal to him
Under his arm to be protected, and near his heart...to be loved

This is how I would like him to be with his girlfriend...but he is leading her a merry dance I fear, as he is on the rebound from a long toxic relationship that began when he was only 15


The situation broke our hearts over and over..then there was light at the end of the tunnel, when he broke free.

But this new girlfriend seems to be hoping for stability and commitment that my son isn't able to give until he heals.

Must we stand by and watch her hope in vain?

Is it wrong to interfere?
I have not told the full story (you would not believe it it's like fiction...)
But our son was 15 and his ex 7 years older with 2 children when the story began. And he is now 26.
Any advice appreciated

Linda
xx

i dont know what to say really, as ive never been in this sitiuation myself..
but i do know someone who has, Aidans sister..
She was on the rebound when she met her current boyfriend. They've had their ups and downs, fallings out, arguements.. etc etc.
But they're still together..
I think it could work..
if they have only been together a short time, then they may just need a little time.. and then your son will realise what he really wants..
Sorry im not much help hun..
Hope someone comes along with some better advice soon!!

xx

you can't interfere you can only be there to pick up the pieces. Why someone loves someone who's so completely wrong no-one but them knows....sometimes they don't even know if you interfere even with good intentions then they'll go against you. He maybe needs to work out some issues, being a bit of a b might be his defence against being hurt again or to getting to deeply involved or he's simply acting out the 15 year old that he didn't do at 15.

It's tough but unless someone's in danger you have to let them work it out themselves

Hi, hon, I am definitely not ignoring your thread, I am just in lack of good advice to give you - however, I hope that somebody else has got some good advice for you and wish by all my heart that things will be solved soon, my dear friend!!!

By the way, I love your definition of a woman!!!!

Hiya hun ,

Well I can only offer insight to what happened with my son. .firstly he wasnt as young as yours-but still too young for the one he got with..he was about 18 she was 36! He fell hard-she was slightly "off her rocker" NUTS.. .and I do mean a bit short of a few sixpences!!
They rowed and made up.... he moved in...he was strained..it was awful!

He came to me on many an occasion telling me "the woes" I listened..I offered only "advice"...one day he took it upon himself to extract HIMSELF from the relationship-walked away-left loads of FAB stuff behind (which I was cross about )..but all he wanted was out and no going back..so respect his decision I did..

He drifted sometimes long periods alone...then the complete opposite a "Stud Play boy"...he met someone-it was ok-then rocky it lasted 2 yrs-it ended..back to the pattern before.......

Then one day he met another girl (she was nice-but not HIS girl as he put it for long term??)...then he met this girl now..and POW in a matter of months he is HEALED.. .serious relationship all barriers down and theyre getting a flat asap!

So hun..they go thro it-we can just be there..its heart breaking for us-especially if you actually LIKE the girl...my other son (younger) has just split with her- after 2 yrs..damm near broke my heart. .and Im not in the relationship!!!

Its LIFE..it can be cruel. .but boy do they LEARN along the way !

HUGS JACK

Beccy Jan and Karen thank you for your words of encouragement.

Jackie thank you so much for sharing your experience. It sounds like you have truly walked in the same shoes as me (down to the ex being a nutter too )

The heartache was so strong when our son was so young that personally I had to put it in a box in a corner of my mind in order to function normally. Over the last few months it felt safe to open the box and prepare to dispose of it but we're still on shaky ground yet.
So Jackie, it's a comfort to me to hear your son is finding himself at last.

Thanks again!

Linda
xx

Frankly, until your son can be himself alone he is going to have dysfunctional relationships. But anyone who dates all the time and needs to date to feel worthy is an individual lacking in self-esteem and is doomed to continue repeating mistakes. Even if it is the "right" person it could very well fall apart after a few years if they grow apart. And, if the individual doesn't know him or herself, this could take months. Unless of course he or she is too afraid to move on and NEEDS to be with someone.

But I'm of the opinion a simple relationship isn't enough. There are people you will love, people you won't and then just people. Too often, people settle for the first thing that comes along and end up feeling alone even though there is someone sleeping next to them at night.

I think that's something some people learn then walk away or other people live throughout their lives. And it's not something that can be told. It's something that needs to experienced.

i so do not know what to say my son's are only babies still, only 12 & 7, but one of my girl's is 15 & lucky now boyfriend's yet well not oen's were the full on that is she is a good girl & so are there friends there got some pack going if you sleep with a boy before you 18 your one of them girl's you know what i mean , but as for you son 15 & a 22 i would would of had the cop's on her door that is not right he was a baby still that's sick, maybe he needs to talk to some one about that as that will make the rest of his life hard, & what he think's of girl's to, that's very sad that this happend to him my sister got with a guy who was 25 when she was 15 i was so made at my mum, i wanted to kill this guy he was the a little older then me & was with my baby sister just sick, but now she is 20 her life is still not good & she is not right in the head as, 15 is way to young for dateing

Linda you must have gone through hell with worry. but thats what good parents do.
My advice would be to take a step back and leave him to it, he is now an adult and needs to learn by his own mistakes. I am sure he has learnt a lot with his past relationships, but he has to work it out. You have said your bit now it's up to him. But keep the way of communication open with him. But let him come to you.

as for his new relationship, they have to work it out, he as well as her are learning about themselves as individuals and as a couple. And though you think he should wait, or she is the wrong person whatever you feel isn't important in their relationship, it's what they feel and think that is important in their relationship.

I have been giving my kids advice on courting all their teen lives, our 22 year old son still hasn't got a girlfriend. out daughter 21 has had a few, she had a very rocky relationship with a boy who moved in with us, he was a mixed up lazy self opinunated little ........
he was disrespectful and a scrounger. never paid his way and never helped in the house didn't even make a cup of tea. It took her a year to see him the way we did, But they had been arguing for months. she then had a new boyfriend, someone we really liked. now she has another boyfriend and they have been together 7 or 8 months, she sent me an email, to say "Mum don't worry I am safe and very happy." and at the end of the day thats all we want for our kids, to be safe and happy. Their version of safe and happy, not ours.

I do agree with a few of the ladys though, 15 is too young to be courting, and she should have been reported to the police. Though your son may not have spoken to you for a few months.

I am a dreamer...so i will say...LOVE can overcome anything. If BOTH arent in love , it wont last. If they are...then it will prevail.

I am not ready for this part of life. My oldest at home is 14 (my 22 yr old has been through it but doesnt live with us) I am not ready! sigh. Hang in there hon!

Hugs

Elisabeth

Shawna..have to say you are very astute with a wise head on your shoulders....you certainly have a point with "unless he needs to be with someone"
Because he went straight from his parents house to her house with no finding his teenage feet in between it's like he never learned to like his own company
(Rest assured we would have called the police had he moved in completely at 15...it was a gradual thing until he was gone completely at 17. She knew it wasn't quite right as she lied to her own mum about his age and him being 6'4" was believed.)

Sal, I truly hope your 15 year old daughter takes all the right paths in life, and doesn't lose her way like our son did. And am hoping you're feeling a bit better now? Remember all things must pass!

Veronica I value you your take on things...and when you said "their version of happy not ours" it made me think about how pointless it is trying to control our offsprings' lives.
We can only lead by example and quietly hope our kids are happy and safe.

Elizabeth I hear you! "am not ready for this"
When our son was 15 he was quite an immature 15 he hadn't been one for going out much and was still into days out with family ect...then all of a sudden he wasn't coming home at night and we were up all night phoning hospitals ect. The start of a nightmare!

Thanks everyone for helping me see more clearly what I already knew.

Our situation is more hopeful than it was 5 months ago. It's taken over 10 years to get to this point. Best not to hope for instant miracles eh?

Linda
xx

Well I sure don't blame you for wanting to interfere. But it's risky.. If you
warn your son's girlfriend about him.. he'll see it as an act of disloyalty
and likely resent you for it.. Seems even when they want us to interfere
theres a good chance of that. It's really hard.. Believe me I know
as all my kids are in their thirties and I was a single mom.. and their
dad emotionally and physically abandoned them and still has almost
no contact. So it all fell on me.. I have tried to help whenever I could
plainly see they were headed for trouble.. But I know with my kids
they are all very independent and stubborn and 'always' do what
they darned well please.. and think they had to invent the wheel.
They NEVER listen.. It's hard to just sit by and wait to help pick up the
pieces.. I know for myself.. I have Chronic Fatigue Immune Disorder
and have very poor stamina as a result of constant infections
and to some degree I like to try and avert heartache and disaster
to spare myself..As the older I get the harder it is to try and help
pick up the pieces.. Sometimes it makes me want to go take my
dog and dollies and go away and pitch a tent in the dessert... I am
laughing but really I am NOT joking.. Good luck in whatever
you do.. KAT

Aww Kat, I do feel for you (and anyone who is or had to cope alone bringing kids up)

Our son chose a very difficult path at 15 years of age, and the shock of it made me and his dad (and his sisters for that matter) ill.
But at least we had each other...I can see how hard it must be without a shoulder to lean on.

Kat, did you let your ex put you off all men? You never know....your soul mate might be out there waiting for you!

Linda
xx

Aww Linda- you are soo sweet.. Thanks for the encouraging words. BUTT..
no I am a free spirit or I 'was" and I still went out got married
again. to someone I 'thought' was my soul mate.. We had a whirlwind
romance at age thirty-three and eloped to Las Vegas eighteen days later.
When I got sick I discovered he wasn't in it for sickness and health
or richer or poorer.. He took a powder... But we still were involved on
and off for years after our divorce. Every time I tried to move
on and get over him.. he'd try and get his foot back in the door..
Seemed to always know what to say or do... But I haven't
seen him in ten years.. Since he got married for the third time.
I knew it wouldn't last because I knew he wasn't marriage material.
Sure enough I found out not long ago he got divorced.. a few years
ago.. Also I was engaged 'twice' after him... Then this past winter
I joined my Classmates site from HighSchool looking for old 'girl'
friend.s.. and this guy that I knew back in the day who was good
friends with my brother and used to come to our house all the
time. Well he emailed me off the classmates site... Well let's not
go there. Hugs KAT/Maria

I am glad you are still open to finding your soulmate Kat...'cause he's out there!

Linda
xx